learning learning learning

I want this post to be about things I've been learning at my internship. Not just about the job, but about myself. Most of my posts have been "I did this, I did that..." but I think what I'd like to look back on the most is my reflections on how I've changed and my feelings about how my internship is going. So here are a few things that I've been learning/reflecting on lately...

 1. I'm braver than I think I am!!! Things aren't as scary as I think they are, I am capable of more than I think I am, I am better at what I do than I think I am. I just have to believe it- that's where confidence comes in and I know I can be confident! And being confident makes you feel better, perform better, think better... It's just an all around cycle of positivity!

 2. I've been learning many "counseling ideas." Like little things that you say over and over that can relate to many situations. Kind of like "you can only control yourself, and your reactions to situations. You can't control what other people do and what other people think of you. Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it." Those kinds of things. And they all overlap and relate so having knowledge of all these little "counseling nuggets" make me feel more confident and knowledgeable when counseling others. I feel like the more nuggets I gain, the easier it is to keep the flow of a group going. I've been learning A LOT of those little nuggets, and I feel they are shaping my life as well!

 3. Your environment shapes you! I'm around very encouraging, positive, inspiring, spiritual, fun, and motivated mentors ALL DAY. This make ME feel like a more encouraging, positive, inspiring, etc etc person. I feel that being surrounded by such positivity and wisdom all day has been changing my brain and inspiring me!

 4. I realized how much I've changed in the past year or so. The rec therapist has this negativity test she gives to patients sometimes to see how negative your thought process is. I was looking at it a couple weeks ago and thought "DANG. I seriously would have scored SO HIGH on this a year or so ago!" It made me realize how much I've changed, and how much happier I am as a person. A lot of it had to do with attending counseling of my own and just trying to change my thought process. Of course there's always room to improve but it's good to know that I've been getting somewhere!

 5. Just knowing that I can move away from friends/family to a place where I don't know anyone, doing something that I found pretty intimidating at first gives me confidence in itself! Going back to #1, things aren't usually as scary as I make them out to be! The more I practice doing things that are scary, the more truth this statement will carry.

 6. Being alone is awesome. Okay, I knew this before my internship but I thought it would be much harder moving somewhere and not knowing anyone. NOPE. It's actually pretty wonderful. I'm sure it would suck if I wasn't gone all day but it's so satisfying to go to work and do awesome things all day, and then to come home, relax, and have ME TIME. I don't feel pressures to hang out with people or stress from having to do homework assignments. Some people may say "you need to get out and do things and get involved!" Well I quite frankly disagree. I'm only here for 5 months, and it's really wonderful to take time to do things for myself that I want to do. I've been writing music, exercising, reflecting... it's great. Obviously I feel lonely at times but really not as much as I thought I would. I don't feel the need to hang out with people, or get involved in things, and it's actually quite freeing. Okay, I went to choir practice with the rec therapist a few times and I've been going to church but I am absolutely drained from work every day when I get home and look forward to being alone.

 So I'm sure there are more things but those are the few that I could think of right now. Maybe I'll make more "things I'm learning" posts in the future. :) Also I am in Tallahassee for the weekend! I'm staying with Sarah and it's very refreshing to be around old friends. I feel like we are roommates again <3 (even if just for a weekend.)

Group leading!!

This week I started leading groups officially! I have absolutely loved it. Of course there are times when it's hard but I am still adjusting and as much as I wish it were true, I can't be perfect all the time. I just want to be really good at it RIGHT NOW. But that's super unrealistic. I'm just really excited about the prospect of being an awesomely good therapist. So on Tuesday I lead the open adult group and did an activity with the song "Live Like A Warrior" by Matisyahu and we talked about negative thoughts vs. positive thoughts. They wrote a negative thought on paper to throw in the "fire" then they wrote a positive thought on another slip of paper and kept it with them. There was a lot more to it but that was the basic premise. Then later I did the same thing with the adolescent group. I wasn't expecting to lead them but it ended up happening because Monday we had all the kids together and there are A LOT more than usual so it was really... not working out. The problem is there are really young kids with really old kids and it's difficult to find a group activity appropriate for everyones age. So Tuesday we split it up and I had the older group and it was SUCH a good group. I feel like I connected well with them and I really really enjoyed it. Today I lead the younger kids(there were only three of them) but they are difficult. Adorable and fun, but difficult. One of the kids has IED, ODD, and ADHD. Dang. I tried really hard to keep him happy haha It was SO adorable though because as soon as I started singing and playing my guitar they just sat and STARED at me. QUIETLY. It was really really adorable. They were all three little boys so of course my heart was melting the whole time. (I LOVE LITTLE BOYS) Not in a creepy way... o_o I feel like this time in my internship is exciting because I'm just discovering my passions for different populations/age groups. It's awesome that I can be working with completely "out there" adults in the morning and little kids in the afternoon then military guys later in the afternoon. I love it! Another thing that's awesome about this time in my internship is I feel I'm getting to know the patients better since I've been more involved in group leading and everything. I can walk in the hall and have conversations with them and ask about their days. Which I lovvveeee. I think it's funny that that's such a hard thing for me to do out in the "real world" but I feel so much more comfortable being personable with the patients?? Maybe it's an authority thing and has to do with my position or something. Either way, I find it interesting. Apparently the expressive therapists used to have to do assessments with the patients which is a good opportunity to get to know the patients in a one to one setting and to learn about if they are interested in any art/music type stuff and what kind of music they like. I feel like this would really help the groups! Because I think it's so important to do things patients are interested in, or at least things that will get their attention and feel connected to the therapist in a way so they can gain that rapport with them. It's just that there's literally NO TIME to do assessments... which sucks. I think I would really like sitting down with patients in a one to one setting and getting to know them. My supervisor keeps saying they're probably going to make the expressive therapy department start doing them again since I'm here, but I have no idea when we would have time to do them?? Two more things. On Monday morning I played guitar for the song "Count On Me" by Bruno Mars and one of the military guys sang as part of his "goodbye group" or whatever they do on the military unit when someone is discharging. He said he picked that song because he felt like he grew really close to everyone there and wanted them to know they could count on him or something cute like that. All the patients were singing with it and it was SO CUTE and touching! I finally finished making a workout CD for one of the military patients and she was soooo happy! She has been wanting some good music to listen to while working out for a while now. She was saying how nice it was of me to take time and make it for her and that she felt like she was going to cry! I told her I loved making CDs and I enjoyed making it for her. My supervisor told me to be careful with stuff like that because we aren't supposed to be giving patients gifts and that everyone might start wanting CDs and stuff but I told her I made it to leave on the unit for anyone that wanted to use it which she said was fine. I just don't know if the patient I gave it to thought that... oops. Anyways I feel like I am growing more and more passionate about this population and I'm loving it more every day. I hope my passion continues to grow and it's not just a passing phase!!

Hm I figure it's time for an update and what better place to blog but Panera Bread? I have a free birthday pastry that expires tomorrow and I really really wanted good & healthy food. (My fridge is... sad.) So here I am. I led my first session all by myself a week and a halfish ago because the rec therapist was going to be gone and I filled in for her. I just gave them a handout about stress and talked about it with them then let them do whatever they wanted outside. I had cards and footballs and bubbles and all kinds of stuff. Apparently they were complaining about not getting to be active enough so that's what we decided on doing and I think they really appreciated it. I'm going to start leading sessions for real next week. I'm nervous but also excited! Also, update: a patient was rude to me a few days ago and yes I got pretty upset but I was able to think myself out of it, hold it in, and move on and I'm really proud of myself. Something that I really want to work on is my overall affect and friendly attitude. Today on the military unit we were doing an arts and crafts activity and we had quote books for them to look through. One of the quotes said "smile more" and one of the patients held it up to me and smiled at me. I joked around with him about it but it really did make me think that I don't smile enough and I feel that that's important in this profession which really kind of sucks because I'm not a very smiley person outside of being with my friends and family. I want my presence to be opening and welcoming and I don't think it is at all. It's something I have often struggled with and don't really know how to change. What if this is just... me? My personality? And I can't change it? What if it's something I can't overcome? Sometimes it makes me doubt a lot of things about myself, about my future, and about my career choices. It sucks to think I have the right passion and training for something, but maybe not the right personality traits. Anyways unto some more positive things... Lily and Cara came to visit me this past weekend!! It was so much fun and really great to be able to explore Panama City with friends. We went to the most BEAUTIFUL beach, ate at a restaurant on the water, watched movies, went to church together, got ice cream... it was so much fun and I'm so so glad they were able to come visit me! I don't think I have many more exciting things internship-wise to write about... Back to my soup, salad, and free scone yum :) Also there is a Books A Million across the street hmmmmmmm