These past few days have been crazzzyyy. (literally. lol get it)
My supervisor got punched in the face Friday by a patient. I didn't see it but I heard them call the code and I knew she was on ICU so I went over there and she was obviously in tremendous pain and surrounded by a lot of people. She had to go to the ER and get surgery. I found out today she doesn't know if she is even coming back to work or not. I guess you don't really think about how big of a deal this whole thing is until it happens. It's not only physical pain, but emotional pain. My supervisor is apparently going to start going to therapy about it. There are all these liability issues too. The day after this happened I was set to lead the ICU group and apparently my supervisor did not want me doing ICU. I did it anyways. The first group was fine but when I went on the other ICU unit two of them were just MAD and I couldn't even do group and I started getting emotional and had to leave. Every time I tried to get a response they'd just be yelling about something. Then when one of the guys started yelling and got up out of his chair I was like "NOPE" so I just got up and left and I'm not sure if I was thinking about the whole getting punched in the face thing or what but I just suddenly felt very overwhelmed and stressed out and had to leave and cry in the bathroom.
I've just been feeling overwhelmed and anxious since it all happened. I'm trying to take over for my supervisor and it's really stressful! We have some social workers helping us which is awesome but today we did not and I was there for almost 10 hours and literally did not stop moving that whole time except for lunch break.
Another crazy thing that happened... yesterday one of the patients died. I saw her coming through the door from outside in her wheelchair and she just fell out of her chair, right on her face. The ambulance came and I'm not sure if she died on the unit or in the ER or what but apparently they aren't exactly sure what caused it. Apparently things like this NEVER happen and it was 2 awful things within a few days!
Also since my supervisor isn't coming back for a while (or maybe not even at all) I got offered to work per diem. I just tell them when I could work and I don't get benefits and all that so I'd be getting paid really well. It's just such a hard decision because obviously I want to go home for the holidays and maybe she will be back by the time I get back?? And also there is nother intern coming in January so I have no idea how that is even going to work. If I did work per diem I'd seriously just have to get my own place. I don't like living with a roommate at all that I don't know and I just don't think I can handle it any longer. It was good for while I was here for my internship because it was cheap but I'd probably be able to afford my own apartment working per diem with full time hours, even here where everything is pretty expensive. I'd also want to get a cat.
Anyways I only have tomorrow, Friday, then next week and I'm DONEEEE. I seriously cannot WAIT. Especially after these past few days oh my gosshhhh. So much happens in a day in terms of emotions that it almost feels like a dream when I am leaving. It's such an emotional job I LOVE IT BECAUSE I LOVE EMOTIONS AND PSYCH but it's still super draining.
Anyways I'm also stressed out about end of my internship stuff. Obviously my supervisor can't really be here to guide me through it so I need to ask her about it all sometime.
I just need to make it through the rest of this week then next week and I'll be done with all of this.

Well I only have 3 weeks of internship left!! I. CAN'T. WAIT.
It's halloween night and I am sitting at Panera Bread avoiding tricker treaters at home. My supervisor invited me to come to her house and give out candy and stuff with her and her family but I'm just so pooped and I have to work tomorrow too. My grandma called me this morning and asked if I wanted company this weekend and I said UHH... YES. But then she realized my little sister has a piano recital tomorrow so she's planning on coming next weekend. YAY!
So I finished collecting data for my project. I'm going to try working on it at work but I never have the time... I think I'll have time during the last week of my internship so hopefully I can get it all done. I'm also mostly done with loading all the CDs I just need to double check that I got them all.
We FINALLLYYY can use our Bose speakers and our ipod! It sounds WONDERFUL. I've been listening to my own ipod on it while writing notes.

I can't really think about anything exciting or important that has happened lately... I still love behavioral health and music therapy. Soooo that's good. I've been seriously considering getting my masters in mental health counseling but I don't want to unless I can get a scholarship or something. I'm already drowning in student loans.
Oh another thing, my supervisor started a ladies bible study at work and it's been sooo good. I've been either working on Sundays or am exhausted on Sundays from working the saturday and the week before so I haven't really been going to church. I feel like this study group feeds me spiritually. It's only 6 weeks so the last week we do it will be my last week!

This internship has taught me a lot, but I think the biggest thing it has taught me is that things aren't usually as scary or as stressful as I make them out to be. I am so happy to find myself doing so many things and enjoying them that I would have never imagined myself doing before starting. It's made me more confident and sure of myself and my future.

Hmmm I'm thinking about getting some coffee. It is cold in here.

adolescents

I've been thinking about my approach to working with adolescents vs. other people's approaches and I realized that I think rapport with this population is probably one of the most important things. If I build a great rapport with them, they are more likely to listen to me, be involved in my groups, and therefore get something out of my groups.

Sooo how to build rapport with adolescents? 

Get on their level. Talk about things with them that they are interested in. Be sarcastic. Use humor. 

Don't constantly tell them "don't do this. don't do that. stop that." 

Instead say "what the heck are you doing. you're going to crack your head open boy."

They might laugh then most likely stop.

Once you've built a rapport, thennnn you can tell them what to do. They need to know WHY they should trust you or listen to you. And if they do trust you and listen to you, that reason is most likely: because you're cool and you get them. That's really what kids care about at that age I think.

Wow I haven't written in a while. Well a few updates...
I started a project. I'm determining which types of interventions (active music, lyric analysis, or relaxation) improve the mood of pts the most, which they find most helpful, and which they enjoyed the most. There are a lot of variables and I wish I started a project sooner in my internship then I could've done a really awesome elaborate one because I always think about all these things I want to find out and do studies on but I don't write them down so I forget them....
The adolescent unit has been CRAZY. The doctor is kinda new (I think he started about when I started) and he takes all the kids off their medications and he accepts children as young as 4... so now we have this huge age range with more kids not on medication with no kind of program in place because of all the changes happening with the new doctor. We had a meeting the other morning that I went to about the unit and what kind of program to implement. They are also going to set apart a separate area for the younger kids (thank goodness) and provide more activities for them to do and stuff because they really just sit around the majority of the day... which basically means the staff is just trying to keep them from killing each other the whole time.
Alsoooo there has been a bit of drama. My supervisor was very upset yesterday because she feels the expressive therapies department is becoming more and more undervalued. Kind of like we are just "the activity people" when we are doing actual therapy, just like the therapists and social workers do. Unlike the therapists and social workers, we are not assessing the patients, we are not involved in treatment team meetings, we are not writing our treatment goals for the pts most of the time, and other fun things like that. My supervisor was saying she feels like she is not doing what she is supposed to be doing as a music therapist which is ethically incorrect. There are a lot of little things that have been going which has made us feel like we are being more and more undervalued. Anyways stuff went down with my supervisor and her boss and I think things are going to be getting better from now on. Her boss really does value us and I think the staff does too, but I don't think they fully understand what we do. (My supervisor told me I should present the results of my project to the staff so maybe that would help!) It's been a good learning experience at least!
Some other stuff that's been going down... I talked to my supervisor about some anxieties I had the other day (something happening to make me cry will kinda bring that conversation up) and she was very encouraging and it was also really great to let her know about some of that stuff. Then something happened agaaiiiinnnn a few days ago and now I kinda just feel anxious whenever I go to the hospital and I hate it. Today I even almost started to cry when I was playing a song while a patient was being rude. What the heck?? That never happens to me. I usually don't mind and can handle it... I managed to just keep going though but for a second I was afraid I was going to just break down in front of the patients how EMBARRASSING would that be?!?!
Also roommate things have been going on to stress me out too but it's all good. I've really just been so impatient to be done. I have 6 weeks left and I just want it to be over NOOOWW! It's a wonderful internship. I love it and I'm learning a lot but can I graduate already?? I'm trying to be more in the moment and enjoy the experience but it's hard sometimes. Senioritis is hitting hard. That reminds me I need to order my cap and gown and all that fun stuff yay
Lily is coming to visit me this weekend!! I think this is the longest we've been apart! I can't waaaaiiittt :) :)

Interesting day

So today started out with my supervisor and I going to the military unit to fill our water and all the patients were in group it seemed (they don't have group at that time...) so we were like what is happening... and all the staff was standing watching and there every one was very serious... one of the patients spoke up about how "if you don't want help, and you don't want to be here, and you're sleeping during groups then get the f*** out because I need this. This is my last chance. I have a wife and kids who are depending on me." My supervisor just kind of looked at each other like "wow wat." but we talked about how we are sooo glad he said that because that annoys me SO MUCH. They are here for a reason and they need to take it seriously.
Later I went to the adolescent unit to get something and one of the little kids was SCREAMINNGGG. They were restraining him (which we rarely have to do at this hospital because we use verbal de-escalation. Restraint is the very very last resort.) They were carrying him by his legs and arms! Apparently he wanted two snacks instead of just one... and he was sooo good in my group yesterday. So that was odd.
So later my supervisor was leading the adult group and I decided to go with her to help her afterwords with notes. I was a little nervous about the group because for the past week they've been really resistant/sarcastic/not therapeutically focused at all. The group was about letting go and it went SO WELL! The two people who were being really inappropriate yesterday were ones who opened up and were the most vulnerable. . Literally each person who has been causing problems seemed to be very effected by this group. There were many tears shed. My supervisor and I were talking about it all day and she kept telling staff about it, just because of how awesome it was. A few of the staff told her things like how they love the expressive therapies department and how it really effects the patients and they're sorry that's so overdue. It was so encouraging because we often feel that the staff does not appreciate expressive therapy or they think it's not important!
So later today I did the adolescent group. Apparently yesterday they were being really difficult but we separated the younger kids and the older kids so I did the older kids. They were soooo good! I feel like I built an awesome rapport with them so I asked my supervisor if I could do them again tomorrow. I like just hanging out and talking to them. I wish I was in a longer term place sometimes just so I could get to know the patients better. I'v been realizing how much I love that age group lately. I told one of the girls on that unit last week that I liked doing groups there and she goes "wow that's a first." I guess most people hate it. Of course they can be really difficult but I feel like they are usually pretty easily redirected by humor. (except for patients like Mr. I want two snacks instead of one.) I blame my little sister for my love for this age group because I often see her in a lot of my patients just because she's an adolescent I'm really close to. So I just feel connected with them in a way.
So then I got home and was making dinner and my roommate comes out and said her dog died today.... I was not expecting that AT ALL. She really really loved that dog. It was literally like her child. I have never seen anyone love a dog like that. She is devastated. I told her I was sorry and hugged her and told her I'd be praying for her but I don't know what to do!! I put some cookies out for her and wrote her a nice note saying sorry and let me know if you need anything. I just feel soooo sad for her. It's weird that her dog is not walking around the house. She has greeted me every single day after work without fail. It's going to be so sad coming home now.

my heart exploded today

Today's open adult group was SO GOOD. Since it's labor day we decided to just do a chill relaxing fun group so my director decided to just pick out some songs between the both of us and jam. We gave the patients some percussion instruments and we sang Let It Be, Lean On Me, and some other fun songs. This one patient who is seriously one of the NICEST people I have ever met borrowed my guitar to play 2 songs he wrote. I. CRIED. They were SOOO GOOD! Everyone was so awesome and supportive of him and his songs were just amazing. I would buy them. I would listen to them all the time. Everyone was encouraging him to record them. As he was playing one of his songs one of the patients was discharging and walking out and another patient was hugging him and started crying and I seriously was trying so hard to not start sobbing. It was a beautiful moment as I listened to the song and looked around at all the patients and thought about how kind and supportive they are of each other despite all the crap they've been through... I was overflowing with just plain love and joy. After group one of the patients came up to my supervisor and was crying and telling her thank you for the gift of music you bring to us. She said she always wanted to study music but never finished and apparently she's a really good singer. My supervisor told her when you sing, you are bringing the gift of music to others. You have been blessed with it, and you bless others.
Dangggg.
This is why I do this. For these moments. My heart was so full. :) :) :)

learning learning learning

I want this post to be about things I've been learning at my internship. Not just about the job, but about myself. Most of my posts have been "I did this, I did that..." but I think what I'd like to look back on the most is my reflections on how I've changed and my feelings about how my internship is going. So here are a few things that I've been learning/reflecting on lately...

 1. I'm braver than I think I am!!! Things aren't as scary as I think they are, I am capable of more than I think I am, I am better at what I do than I think I am. I just have to believe it- that's where confidence comes in and I know I can be confident! And being confident makes you feel better, perform better, think better... It's just an all around cycle of positivity!

 2. I've been learning many "counseling ideas." Like little things that you say over and over that can relate to many situations. Kind of like "you can only control yourself, and your reactions to situations. You can't control what other people do and what other people think of you. Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it." Those kinds of things. And they all overlap and relate so having knowledge of all these little "counseling nuggets" make me feel more confident and knowledgeable when counseling others. I feel like the more nuggets I gain, the easier it is to keep the flow of a group going. I've been learning A LOT of those little nuggets, and I feel they are shaping my life as well!

 3. Your environment shapes you! I'm around very encouraging, positive, inspiring, spiritual, fun, and motivated mentors ALL DAY. This make ME feel like a more encouraging, positive, inspiring, etc etc person. I feel that being surrounded by such positivity and wisdom all day has been changing my brain and inspiring me!

 4. I realized how much I've changed in the past year or so. The rec therapist has this negativity test she gives to patients sometimes to see how negative your thought process is. I was looking at it a couple weeks ago and thought "DANG. I seriously would have scored SO HIGH on this a year or so ago!" It made me realize how much I've changed, and how much happier I am as a person. A lot of it had to do with attending counseling of my own and just trying to change my thought process. Of course there's always room to improve but it's good to know that I've been getting somewhere!

 5. Just knowing that I can move away from friends/family to a place where I don't know anyone, doing something that I found pretty intimidating at first gives me confidence in itself! Going back to #1, things aren't usually as scary as I make them out to be! The more I practice doing things that are scary, the more truth this statement will carry.

 6. Being alone is awesome. Okay, I knew this before my internship but I thought it would be much harder moving somewhere and not knowing anyone. NOPE. It's actually pretty wonderful. I'm sure it would suck if I wasn't gone all day but it's so satisfying to go to work and do awesome things all day, and then to come home, relax, and have ME TIME. I don't feel pressures to hang out with people or stress from having to do homework assignments. Some people may say "you need to get out and do things and get involved!" Well I quite frankly disagree. I'm only here for 5 months, and it's really wonderful to take time to do things for myself that I want to do. I've been writing music, exercising, reflecting... it's great. Obviously I feel lonely at times but really not as much as I thought I would. I don't feel the need to hang out with people, or get involved in things, and it's actually quite freeing. Okay, I went to choir practice with the rec therapist a few times and I've been going to church but I am absolutely drained from work every day when I get home and look forward to being alone.

 So I'm sure there are more things but those are the few that I could think of right now. Maybe I'll make more "things I'm learning" posts in the future. :) Also I am in Tallahassee for the weekend! I'm staying with Sarah and it's very refreshing to be around old friends. I feel like we are roommates again <3 (even if just for a weekend.)