I am so truly blessed

I am content. I'm making tea, it looks like it's about to rain, and I have so many people who care for me. I want to dedicate this post to them, because I really honestly don't know what I would do without them. If being away from every one doing an internship is teaching me anything, it's about how easily I can fall into a trap of loneliness and how many people I have in my life that love me and that I can rely on. Also, how much God really does provide even when I don't realize it. Every time I'm feeling lonely, something comes up that reminds me I'm not. Every time I'm worrying about money, money comes along somehow. It's really quite amazing now that I think of it. I really really have wonderful supportive and encouraging family and friends and it's times like these that I wonder why I ever feel alone in the first place?? I need to keep reminders close by so I can remember how blessed I am. Also I'm super excited because Lily and my best friend Cara are coming to visit me this weekend!! YAY! Saturday I was feeling particularly lonely and I prayed about it a little when I was at the beach. Then later that night my friend Sarah called me, I got a really sweet letter in the mail from one of my grandmothers, then Chloe called me then I started playing second life with Chloe and Lily then my other grandma called me to see how everything was going then the dude I’m doing music stuff with called me about singing with him at a gig in August all within 3ish hours. Obviously, I felt a lot better after that. On Saturday I was also worrying about money and I got a check in the mail today from Jim and apparently he said God woke up in the middle of the night to write me a check. So he got up, wrote me a check, then went back to bed. This was right before I had this "worrying about money" episode. I just keep getting money in the most random ways. I'm waiting on a check from my old apartment because they had to renovate our particular apartment so they gave us our rent back for moving out early, a family I know is graciously giving me money every month, I worked this random job and am getting a check from that soon (hopefully... I have to call about it) but just so many things keep popping up like this and all I can do is look up to the sky and thank God and thank all of my family and friends for being so so good to me.

Day 14

This week has gone by so unbelievably FAST. Wow. Tomorrow is FRIDAY??? So yesterday I got to lead my first session kind of! I'm not technically scheduled to start leading my own groups until August but I was telling the music therapist I'm with this week that I felt ready so she let me come up with an activity and do it with the open adult group. What I did was cut out a bunch of lyrics from random songs so that there were strips of paper with about 2-4 lines of lyrics on them. Then I had them fold a brochure out of construction paper and the left section would have "past" written at the top, the middle would have "present" and the third would have "future." Then they would find pictures from magazines and pick out some song lyrics that would describe each of these things. What happened in the past and why they are here maybe. What they are doing now to change. Then what are some hopes and dreams for the future. I really really enjoyed it and I think it went pretty well! I think I might be leading that group again tomorrow. :) :) :) So today was pretty good. We had group at ICU in the morning and we played paddle drum ball where we literally just hit a ball around with paddle drums. It was actually super fun and most of the patients seemed to enjoy it. There was one kid who was mad and cussing about being moved from the open adult unit but he apologized later so thats good. I felt like I was able to interact a lot more with the patients than I have been. I went to lunch at panera later that day with the music therapist I've been observing. We picked it up and went back to the hospital to eat. It was delicious. Especially compared to the meals I've been eating. Then later that day we did a group with the military unit. I almost cried a couple of times... that group always gets to me somehow. One guy shared a personal testament about his journey at the hospital as his final assignment or something and oh my GOSH. I was trying to hold back tears. I have so much respect for those guys (and 3 girls) haha that group is huge there's always about 30 people. STORY TIME So we were standing outside the military group room waiting for their group to be done so we could start ours. One of my rings falls out of my pocket SOMEHOW... (there's not even a hole in my pocket??) and it starts to roll underneath the curtain thing separating us from the group room. It was rolling and rolling and I was saying "ahhh no no no!" and it goes under the curtain. So one of the guys walked out to give it to me and I was embarrassed. Then a lady comes on the LOUD SPEAKER and says "If anyone lost a ring in the military unit, it's at the front desk." Literally right after I drop the first ring... Then I realize that my OTHER ring was missing out of my pocket!! What the heck?? The music therapist I was with was like "Is that yours too??" Well, I guess it is. So I had to walk down to the front desk to get it. She was cracking up at me. The patient that picked up my first ring was probably like "What the heck why are so many people dropping rings in the military unit...?" Anyways. So when I got home the girl I'm living with left me this long note about keeping the kitchen clean and stuff. I left a couple of dishes in the sink for the FIRST TIME and I just completely forgot about them. I'm glad she told me but it made me feel poopy because I feel like I try SO HARD to keep everything the way she has it and to clean up after myself (which is not in my nature...) and I don't think she realizes how much I try to work around the way she has things. I'm glad I was on the phone with my mom when I saw it so I had someone to vent to. I just feel like this is so hard. I'm living with someone I don't know in a place that doesn't feel like my home at all. I love my room but I still feel like the house is not really "where I live." It's hard and uncomfortable for me to live like this! Even when I was moving in she was saying that I had a lot of stuff and I just feel that she doesn't really realize how much it takes for a person to LIVE somewhere. She didn't leave much room for me to put stuff anywhere and it's not her fault at all it's just a more difficult situation for me I guess. I just keep thinking about that time when I'll be living with a spouse or something and being excited to come home to see them and spend time with them after a long day at a job that I'm comfortable with and really enjoy. I've been trying really hard to suck it up and stick it out. I only have 4 more months. Or 20ish more weeks. I can do this. But sometimes you just have to feel it and accept that "THIS IS HARDDD. Moving to a new place is HARD. Doing an internship in behavioral health is HARD. Living on really limited money is HARD. Being in a place where I don't know anyone/have no friends is HARD." But it's not impossible and it's not unbearable. It's a learning and growing experience and I'm so glad that I am learning that I don't like living with people I don't know. Seriously though, I am thankful SO THANKFUL for this experience and I'm learning so much not only about music therapy and behavioral health but about myself.

weekend!

I'm writing this in the morning even though I don't have much time before I leave... I had a pretty great weekend even though it rained the whole time. I didn't mind too much though... I like the rain. One of my friends was in town because her boyfriend lives here so she came Saturday and we went to a popular touristy restaurant which was crazy crowded but yummy. Then we went to dippin' dots, gave some dude a ride to a place down the road, then went to this cute downtown historic district close to my house. It was a lot of fun and I'm so glad I got to hang out with someone! Then on Sunday I didn't do much of anything until like 3 when I decided to drive to the beach even though it looked like it was going to pour any second. There was a crazy amount of traffic but I kept driving hoping that somewhere far down where there would be less hotels and tourist attractions a less crowded beach. I ended driving for like 40 minutes and came across the most ADORABLE, COOLEST LITTLE NEIGHBORHOOD. I first went to the beach which was BEAUTIFUL then I looked up coffee shops on my phone. As I followed the road I came into this awesome little town. I'm guessing most of the houses were vacation rentals and condo type things and there were a lot of families there. I was in the town square place where they had some nice restaurants, a coffee place, a little book store, and some other cute things like that. I went to the coffee place and kind of just walked around and looked at the houses which were huge and really nice. I felt like I was in another country! Like Europe or something. I am definitely going back there when Lily comes to visit. Anyways yesterday was a really chill day at internship. I mostly just worked on my session plans then observed the adolescent unit. I'm really not feeling it this morning. Hopefully today isn't too bad. I do get to go to a DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) training for an hour so I'm really looking forward to that. So far I've worked 98/900 hours!! I'm getting there. 4 months left already. Wow. This month has just really zoomed by. Hopefully the rest of my internship does too!

So yesterday was not very good. That morning I just felt like I was doing everything wrong and getting tons of negative thoughts about my abilities to do this job. I was doubting my future and just thinking about jobs in general and how I feel like I would never be able to handle any job. I had a session at 9:30 in ICU and it just reinforced these thoughts... I couldn't communicate effectively with the patients and was nervous and not having a good time. So after that session I went to go retrieve shift reports on new patients and had to make copies so I did. I went back to the room next to it and heard someone venting and cussing about people not clearing the copier after using it. I thought crap, she's probably talking about me. So later I walk out when I was done and she told me next time I made copies to clear the copier, in a pretty rude manner. Naturally I went to the bathroom and cried. When I made myself half way presentable I went and sat back in the office and after a while the rec therapist asked if I was okay and if something happened so I told her, but it wasn't just that she was slightly rude to me, it was just things building up all morning and that was the tipping point. So todayyyy... I was looking for shift reports again and she came up to me and asked if she could talk to me when I got a second. Well we never did talk... because when I was done I couldn't find her then we were both busy I guess blah blah blah... but what the heck... I hope nobody told her about how I was crying about that dumb thing?? She probably thinks I'm ridiculous. The rec therapist I told yesterday was freaking out saying "I need to tell my supervisor! That's not acceptable!" but I really don't want any drama with anyone ugh. I really really hate this. That's life though. I've really been thinking about jobs a lot and how I don't want one where I have to wake up early, come home in the evening, and my life revolves around that. I know that's what almost everyone does, and that's just how it is, and I just have to deal with it, whatever. Well I don't care. I'm not everyone and I only have one life and I want to do something more with it! Something that I will actually enjoy and WANT to do. I mean really really want to do. I know it's out there and I will MAKE IT HAPPEN. I believe that I can. Back to my internship. Since that's what this blog is about... Today I was with the weekend music therapist. She is so much more efficient I think in terms of how she does notes and stuff. I also just feel like she was more on my level, which I appreciated. It was a nice change of pace. I got to observe the adolscent unit for the first time today FINALLY. I liked it, but there were only four of them. Today I got done at like 4 which is the earliest I've ever been done so that was nice! Tomorrow one of my friends will be in town because her boyfriend lives here but we're going to hang out all day tomorrow!! I'm so excited! I finally get to actually experience this city and do something other than go to my internship and come home. Also, friends. Yay friends. Speaking of friends... I LOVE MY FRIENDS. Yesterday Cara and Aliza both called me after seeing a tumblr post I made saying "Today sucks." I was also texting Lily and Jordan about it at lunch and Sarah texted me last night and I just seriously have amazing friends. I wanted to cry just thinking about how grateful and blessed I am to have them in my life. When I was one the phone with Cara, she prayed for me and I went on facebook after we hung up and three of my music therapy friends that are in their internships posted encouraging things about internship IN A ROW. 3 posts right next to each other. WHAT. That was fast God, wow.

Today was longggg. My internship director is gone for 2 weeks on vacation so I've been with the recreational therapist. First of all though, I must mention that my room is finally organized! I have a real bed now, a desk, a table, a dresser, and a TV! There's no cable here but my dad is sending me his Roku box and a PS2 aw yeahhh. It was a nice weekend. I got to go back to tally and see my friend Annabelle who I haven't seen in SOO LONG! My parents and sister helped me pack my apartment then we drove over here and organized my room. It was nice to see them and to eat good meals. Yum. Anyways today I got to observe the ICU unit again. I was not in the mood. Before that group, I went to the unit to try to get some patients reports and that always stresses me out because if it's not there I have to ask around and I feel like people don't really attend to me or something because I'm an intern. Almost like they're kind of annoyed by me? I experienced that a little this morning and it made me upset. I went to group despite feeling poopy, and it was... interesting. Almost every one of them were so low functioning that we could barely do anything. One went and stood out in the rain and I got really wet trying to coax her back so I was freezing all morning because the building is always SO COLD! Rita made some stew and she left a note for me saying that I could have some so that's what I had for lunch. It was wonderful because I was so cold. Also during that group, there was this one lady who was quite functional and I was confused as to why she was even in the ICU unit. I was talking to her at the end of group and she was telling me that she got drunk and hit her head, then she woke up with police and EMTs surrounding her and she said something like "I want it to end" and they took it as she was suicidal. She told me that's not what she meant at all. Then she was explaining how she worked with her dad and her dad was really possesive of her and she could never meet any guys because her dad would keep them away and stuff. So anyways later I was sitting in the office with the rec therapist and she says "you know what I read today on _____'s record? She's married to her dad and she says she wants to stop having sex with him. That's why he's so posessive of her." I was just like.... WHAT. I can't even... begin to understand. That's so crazy. It made me so sad. I hear sad stories multiple times a day but it just encourages me to do my job even better. Later that day we did a session with the military unit and I just observed. I need to write one session plan a day these next two weeks but I haven't written any yet. I probably need to do that. I am missing my old roommates. We were texting each other earlier and it made me think more about how I miss my old apartment. I miss knowing where everything is and feeling so comfortable and knowing I can just open my door and they'd be there for me to talk to. I have no friends here but I really feel fine with that at the moment. It actually feels kind of nice... because I'm always so tired and can't WAIT to be alone after my internship. I feel like I have so many wonderful amazing friends, that I literally don't need or want anymore. I wonder if that's weird? Anyways the internet is not working here AND IT SUCKKKKSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!! It's so off and on then it's super slow UGH. Nothing is more frustrating than internet not working. I know that's a first world problem, and a privilege to even have internet, BUT UGHHH IT DOESN'T MAKE IT LESS ANNOYING!!!!!!!!

Well tomorrow is the end of week one of my internship. I've learned a lot about the facility these last few days. Yesterday I wrote on my notepad a detailed account of my day but... I think I'm just going to hit a few things, otherwise it will be super long. Tuesday I got to observe two groups... ICU (severe disorders) and the resilience (military) unit. Before that session my director told me to look in the files of some resiliency patients and I LOVED READING THEM. The files are huge with all of their information in them but I was just reading the detailed descriptions of why they were there and stuff. They were all really sad, but it was so interesting to me. I felt just this intense admiration for them after reading them. I've just been thinking about how much I'd love to be the one that interviews patients and writes up their reports. I feel like it's hard to know what my role is here. When we were about to start the session on the resiliency unit, my director left for a little bit and I felt weird because when things like that happen I don't know what to say to the patients or anything, or if I should be saying something, or if it's okay that I don't?? Anyways so after that she did notes and everything and I left. After eating my frozen chicken pot pie, I went to the beach to watch the sunset which was crowded!! I wasn't expecting that. Last time I went to the beach here in the evening it wasn't crowded at all but it's summer and there are a ton of tourists. I got to talk to both Aliza and Sarah while I was there and it was so great! I have wonderful friends. So then yesterday I got there at 8:30, just like on Tuesday and my director didn't show up until like 9 just like on Tuesday. She's not very clear about hours, but I kinda like it because it's open and laid back. Just the whole hospital environment seems to be that way and I love it. So I got to observe a group with the open adult unit. We did this activity with "wellness wheels" where you cut out a circle from construction paper and divide it into four sections: Physical, spiritual, psychological, and social. Then you go through magazines and find pictures for the different sections so it ends up being a cool collage. It was good, I got to interact with the patients more. Today I was working on loading CDs unto iTunes all morning, which I really love doing. I made playlists on iTunes too based on different counseling topics then started adding some songs to them. Then after lunch, I went to observe a session on the resiliency unit again and we did the wellness wheels with them too. It was an AMAZING session. There were about 18 people in group which is a lot more than I'm used to and most of them were pretty into the activity. My director and I started making wellness wheels too and I'm so glad we did because I realized how good of an activity it is. It really helps with identity, mindfulness/focus, and self-reflection. Really, it's soooo therapeutic. We ended really late because everyone was so into it, haha. So afterwords my director asked if anyone wanted to share and about five people did and I almost cried when each of them were talking. Just seeing these people who need to be strong all the time let their guards down like that... it's absolutely amazing and so inspirational to me. I once again felt that intense admiration for them. It's just something about people being authentic and sharing their weaknesses and emotions that just really gets to me. And I think it's really important. That's one of the reasons I am sooo passionate about behavioral health! My director and I were talking about it afterwords and saying this is why we do what we do. For these moments. Even though so far this has been quite an adjustment, and I've had kind of a difficult time internally, I know it'll be worth it because MUSIC THERAPY IS AMAZING!!!

Survived day one!

Today started with cereal and weird tasting coffee. I had to use a paper towel as a filter because I didn't have coffee filters. NOTHING GETS IN THE WAY OF MY COFFEE. So I got to the hospital and had the four hour orientation about things like fire safety, therapeutic boundaries, etc etc. (while drinking more coffee.) Then I had lunch with my supervisor after not knowing how to get a free meal from the cafeteria with my free meal ticket and the worker thinking I was a patient. I ate with my supervisor in the staff room and then she said I could leave if I wanted or I could go to her office and she'd show me how to do notes and stuff so I did that. I need to complete 900 hours until I'm done with my internship so I'm going to try to get in as many as I can! I also looked through some of her music therapy hand outs for group sessions, and read a workbook about Dialectical Behavioral Therapy for Borderline Personality Disorder. It's something I'm super interested in so I read for an hour or so while my supervisor did her documentation. Then she showed me how to file the patient documentation. She also told me about this project she wants me to do of loading all her CDs unto iTunes. Is it weird that I'm really looking forward to doing that and to doing documentation/paperwork? I like tedious things like that. I've been leaning more and more towards just doing research/writing ebooks and blogs and stuff for music therapy rather than actual music therapy. One year ago I would've been like "WHAT? GURL, NO. GO PLAY YOUR GUITAR AND THERAPIZE PEOPLE." but I'm starting to think I'm not wired that way. That I'm not as good at it as I thought I was. I think my passions and preferences have been changing lately. Anyways... basically all day I felt awkward and lost and completely not adjusted at all. But that's normal I'd think... it's only day one after all. So basically this whole month I'm just going to be observing. Observing A LOT of people. Psychologists, recreational therapists, another music therapist... which is good because I want to be exposed to as much as possible! After I left, I went to Publix to get a few things and made a food shelf in my room since there's not much room in the kitchen.(After an episode of sitting on the floor surrounded by all my stuff and crying after trying to organize and unpack.) I also made a bathroom shelf yesterday since there's not much room in the bathroom either. After Publix I drove towards to water to see if there was any public access and I didn't see any! It was all private property! That made me sad because I was really excited to ride my bike to the water. I think I saw one public access dock or something? I'll have to check that out sometime. Well, I'm hoping for a good day tomorrow!

Move in day!

So I am starting my internship at a behavioral health hospital tomorrow and I want to start a blog to document all my adventures! Today has been so long! My mom and I packed all day in between eating at Black Dog Cafe for breakfast/early lunch and Panera for a late lunch/early dinner. I can't believe that I fit so much stuff in my car. It's pretty amazing. I took the two hour drive over here, and Rita (the one whose house I'm moving into) helped me unpack. I do have a lot of stuff I think... and she thought I did too... haha and I was a little overwhelmed and really lonely when I got here but I started unpacking and organizing. Rita let me borrow an air mattress until my parents come and bring me my bed and other furniture next weekend. I could seriously sleep on this thing for the entirety of my internship... it basically blows up into a real queen bed. It's awesome and really comfortable. I know eventually I will get used to this but right now I honestly do not want to be here. I want to be home, with people I know, in my own room. I feel weird about all this because I don't know how much of her stuff I can use and how much I shouldn't use, I don't know how much of my stuff to put in the kitchen and bathroom and how much to keep in my room. Ugh. I really wish I could be living alone for my internship but... money. Hopefully I will get used to this and it won't feel so weird and lonely. I'm going back to tallahassee next weekend to play at an open mic night and meet my parents to load the uhaul (with MORE OF MY STUFF THAT I PROBABLY REALLY DONT NEED) so I'm just keeping that in mind and it makes me feel better. Also this is temporary. 5 months isn't too long. Anyways, tomorrow i have orientation from 8-12 (7-11 my time -_-). Then I think I'm talking with my internship director and maybe doing some observations? I also probably need to buy some more food or something I just don't know how the kitchen is working really between the both of us. I also want to try riding my bike down to the beach. The ocean has never failed to make me feel at peace and at home. I'm so so so so glad my internship is near the ocean. Well off to bed I go, it's time to start waking up early again! Just like the good old days of 8am classes.