Group leading!!

This week I started leading groups officially! I have absolutely loved it. Of course there are times when it's hard but I am still adjusting and as much as I wish it were true, I can't be perfect all the time. I just want to be really good at it RIGHT NOW. But that's super unrealistic. I'm just really excited about the prospect of being an awesomely good therapist. So on Tuesday I lead the open adult group and did an activity with the song "Live Like A Warrior" by Matisyahu and we talked about negative thoughts vs. positive thoughts. They wrote a negative thought on paper to throw in the "fire" then they wrote a positive thought on another slip of paper and kept it with them. There was a lot more to it but that was the basic premise. Then later I did the same thing with the adolescent group. I wasn't expecting to lead them but it ended up happening because Monday we had all the kids together and there are A LOT more than usual so it was really... not working out. The problem is there are really young kids with really old kids and it's difficult to find a group activity appropriate for everyones age. So Tuesday we split it up and I had the older group and it was SUCH a good group. I feel like I connected well with them and I really really enjoyed it. Today I lead the younger kids(there were only three of them) but they are difficult. Adorable and fun, but difficult. One of the kids has IED, ODD, and ADHD. Dang. I tried really hard to keep him happy haha It was SO adorable though because as soon as I started singing and playing my guitar they just sat and STARED at me. QUIETLY. It was really really adorable. They were all three little boys so of course my heart was melting the whole time. (I LOVE LITTLE BOYS) Not in a creepy way... o_o I feel like this time in my internship is exciting because I'm just discovering my passions for different populations/age groups. It's awesome that I can be working with completely "out there" adults in the morning and little kids in the afternoon then military guys later in the afternoon. I love it! Another thing that's awesome about this time in my internship is I feel I'm getting to know the patients better since I've been more involved in group leading and everything. I can walk in the hall and have conversations with them and ask about their days. Which I lovvveeee. I think it's funny that that's such a hard thing for me to do out in the "real world" but I feel so much more comfortable being personable with the patients?? Maybe it's an authority thing and has to do with my position or something. Either way, I find it interesting. Apparently the expressive therapists used to have to do assessments with the patients which is a good opportunity to get to know the patients in a one to one setting and to learn about if they are interested in any art/music type stuff and what kind of music they like. I feel like this would really help the groups! Because I think it's so important to do things patients are interested in, or at least things that will get their attention and feel connected to the therapist in a way so they can gain that rapport with them. It's just that there's literally NO TIME to do assessments... which sucks. I think I would really like sitting down with patients in a one to one setting and getting to know them. My supervisor keeps saying they're probably going to make the expressive therapy department start doing them again since I'm here, but I have no idea when we would have time to do them?? Two more things. On Monday morning I played guitar for the song "Count On Me" by Bruno Mars and one of the military guys sang as part of his "goodbye group" or whatever they do on the military unit when someone is discharging. He said he picked that song because he felt like he grew really close to everyone there and wanted them to know they could count on him or something cute like that. All the patients were singing with it and it was SO CUTE and touching! I finally finished making a workout CD for one of the military patients and she was soooo happy! She has been wanting some good music to listen to while working out for a while now. She was saying how nice it was of me to take time and make it for her and that she felt like she was going to cry! I told her I loved making CDs and I enjoyed making it for her. My supervisor told me to be careful with stuff like that because we aren't supposed to be giving patients gifts and that everyone might start wanting CDs and stuff but I told her I made it to leave on the unit for anyone that wanted to use it which she said was fine. I just don't know if the patient I gave it to thought that... oops. Anyways I feel like I am growing more and more passionate about this population and I'm loving it more every day. I hope my passion continues to grow and it's not just a passing phase!!

Hm I figure it's time for an update and what better place to blog but Panera Bread? I have a free birthday pastry that expires tomorrow and I really really wanted good & healthy food. (My fridge is... sad.) So here I am. I led my first session all by myself a week and a halfish ago because the rec therapist was going to be gone and I filled in for her. I just gave them a handout about stress and talked about it with them then let them do whatever they wanted outside. I had cards and footballs and bubbles and all kinds of stuff. Apparently they were complaining about not getting to be active enough so that's what we decided on doing and I think they really appreciated it. I'm going to start leading sessions for real next week. I'm nervous but also excited! Also, update: a patient was rude to me a few days ago and yes I got pretty upset but I was able to think myself out of it, hold it in, and move on and I'm really proud of myself. Something that I really want to work on is my overall affect and friendly attitude. Today on the military unit we were doing an arts and crafts activity and we had quote books for them to look through. One of the quotes said "smile more" and one of the patients held it up to me and smiled at me. I joked around with him about it but it really did make me think that I don't smile enough and I feel that that's important in this profession which really kind of sucks because I'm not a very smiley person outside of being with my friends and family. I want my presence to be opening and welcoming and I don't think it is at all. It's something I have often struggled with and don't really know how to change. What if this is just... me? My personality? And I can't change it? What if it's something I can't overcome? Sometimes it makes me doubt a lot of things about myself, about my future, and about my career choices. It sucks to think I have the right passion and training for something, but maybe not the right personality traits. Anyways unto some more positive things... Lily and Cara came to visit me this past weekend!! It was so much fun and really great to be able to explore Panama City with friends. We went to the most BEAUTIFUL beach, ate at a restaurant on the water, watched movies, went to church together, got ice cream... it was so much fun and I'm so so glad they were able to come visit me! I don't think I have many more exciting things internship-wise to write about... Back to my soup, salad, and free scone yum :) Also there is a Books A Million across the street hmmmmmmm

I am so truly blessed

I am content. I'm making tea, it looks like it's about to rain, and I have so many people who care for me. I want to dedicate this post to them, because I really honestly don't know what I would do without them. If being away from every one doing an internship is teaching me anything, it's about how easily I can fall into a trap of loneliness and how many people I have in my life that love me and that I can rely on. Also, how much God really does provide even when I don't realize it. Every time I'm feeling lonely, something comes up that reminds me I'm not. Every time I'm worrying about money, money comes along somehow. It's really quite amazing now that I think of it. I really really have wonderful supportive and encouraging family and friends and it's times like these that I wonder why I ever feel alone in the first place?? I need to keep reminders close by so I can remember how blessed I am. Also I'm super excited because Lily and my best friend Cara are coming to visit me this weekend!! YAY! Saturday I was feeling particularly lonely and I prayed about it a little when I was at the beach. Then later that night my friend Sarah called me, I got a really sweet letter in the mail from one of my grandmothers, then Chloe called me then I started playing second life with Chloe and Lily then my other grandma called me to see how everything was going then the dude I’m doing music stuff with called me about singing with him at a gig in August all within 3ish hours. Obviously, I felt a lot better after that. On Saturday I was also worrying about money and I got a check in the mail today from Jim and apparently he said God woke up in the middle of the night to write me a check. So he got up, wrote me a check, then went back to bed. This was right before I had this "worrying about money" episode. I just keep getting money in the most random ways. I'm waiting on a check from my old apartment because they had to renovate our particular apartment so they gave us our rent back for moving out early, a family I know is graciously giving me money every month, I worked this random job and am getting a check from that soon (hopefully... I have to call about it) but just so many things keep popping up like this and all I can do is look up to the sky and thank God and thank all of my family and friends for being so so good to me.

Day 14

This week has gone by so unbelievably FAST. Wow. Tomorrow is FRIDAY??? So yesterday I got to lead my first session kind of! I'm not technically scheduled to start leading my own groups until August but I was telling the music therapist I'm with this week that I felt ready so she let me come up with an activity and do it with the open adult group. What I did was cut out a bunch of lyrics from random songs so that there were strips of paper with about 2-4 lines of lyrics on them. Then I had them fold a brochure out of construction paper and the left section would have "past" written at the top, the middle would have "present" and the third would have "future." Then they would find pictures from magazines and pick out some song lyrics that would describe each of these things. What happened in the past and why they are here maybe. What they are doing now to change. Then what are some hopes and dreams for the future. I really really enjoyed it and I think it went pretty well! I think I might be leading that group again tomorrow. :) :) :) So today was pretty good. We had group at ICU in the morning and we played paddle drum ball where we literally just hit a ball around with paddle drums. It was actually super fun and most of the patients seemed to enjoy it. There was one kid who was mad and cussing about being moved from the open adult unit but he apologized later so thats good. I felt like I was able to interact a lot more with the patients than I have been. I went to lunch at panera later that day with the music therapist I've been observing. We picked it up and went back to the hospital to eat. It was delicious. Especially compared to the meals I've been eating. Then later that day we did a group with the military unit. I almost cried a couple of times... that group always gets to me somehow. One guy shared a personal testament about his journey at the hospital as his final assignment or something and oh my GOSH. I was trying to hold back tears. I have so much respect for those guys (and 3 girls) haha that group is huge there's always about 30 people. STORY TIME So we were standing outside the military group room waiting for their group to be done so we could start ours. One of my rings falls out of my pocket SOMEHOW... (there's not even a hole in my pocket??) and it starts to roll underneath the curtain thing separating us from the group room. It was rolling and rolling and I was saying "ahhh no no no!" and it goes under the curtain. So one of the guys walked out to give it to me and I was embarrassed. Then a lady comes on the LOUD SPEAKER and says "If anyone lost a ring in the military unit, it's at the front desk." Literally right after I drop the first ring... Then I realize that my OTHER ring was missing out of my pocket!! What the heck?? The music therapist I was with was like "Is that yours too??" Well, I guess it is. So I had to walk down to the front desk to get it. She was cracking up at me. The patient that picked up my first ring was probably like "What the heck why are so many people dropping rings in the military unit...?" Anyways. So when I got home the girl I'm living with left me this long note about keeping the kitchen clean and stuff. I left a couple of dishes in the sink for the FIRST TIME and I just completely forgot about them. I'm glad she told me but it made me feel poopy because I feel like I try SO HARD to keep everything the way she has it and to clean up after myself (which is not in my nature...) and I don't think she realizes how much I try to work around the way she has things. I'm glad I was on the phone with my mom when I saw it so I had someone to vent to. I just feel like this is so hard. I'm living with someone I don't know in a place that doesn't feel like my home at all. I love my room but I still feel like the house is not really "where I live." It's hard and uncomfortable for me to live like this! Even when I was moving in she was saying that I had a lot of stuff and I just feel that she doesn't really realize how much it takes for a person to LIVE somewhere. She didn't leave much room for me to put stuff anywhere and it's not her fault at all it's just a more difficult situation for me I guess. I just keep thinking about that time when I'll be living with a spouse or something and being excited to come home to see them and spend time with them after a long day at a job that I'm comfortable with and really enjoy. I've been trying really hard to suck it up and stick it out. I only have 4 more months. Or 20ish more weeks. I can do this. But sometimes you just have to feel it and accept that "THIS IS HARDDD. Moving to a new place is HARD. Doing an internship in behavioral health is HARD. Living on really limited money is HARD. Being in a place where I don't know anyone/have no friends is HARD." But it's not impossible and it's not unbearable. It's a learning and growing experience and I'm so glad that I am learning that I don't like living with people I don't know. Seriously though, I am thankful SO THANKFUL for this experience and I'm learning so much not only about music therapy and behavioral health but about myself.

weekend!

I'm writing this in the morning even though I don't have much time before I leave... I had a pretty great weekend even though it rained the whole time. I didn't mind too much though... I like the rain. One of my friends was in town because her boyfriend lives here so she came Saturday and we went to a popular touristy restaurant which was crazy crowded but yummy. Then we went to dippin' dots, gave some dude a ride to a place down the road, then went to this cute downtown historic district close to my house. It was a lot of fun and I'm so glad I got to hang out with someone! Then on Sunday I didn't do much of anything until like 3 when I decided to drive to the beach even though it looked like it was going to pour any second. There was a crazy amount of traffic but I kept driving hoping that somewhere far down where there would be less hotels and tourist attractions a less crowded beach. I ended driving for like 40 minutes and came across the most ADORABLE, COOLEST LITTLE NEIGHBORHOOD. I first went to the beach which was BEAUTIFUL then I looked up coffee shops on my phone. As I followed the road I came into this awesome little town. I'm guessing most of the houses were vacation rentals and condo type things and there were a lot of families there. I was in the town square place where they had some nice restaurants, a coffee place, a little book store, and some other cute things like that. I went to the coffee place and kind of just walked around and looked at the houses which were huge and really nice. I felt like I was in another country! Like Europe or something. I am definitely going back there when Lily comes to visit. Anyways yesterday was a really chill day at internship. I mostly just worked on my session plans then observed the adolescent unit. I'm really not feeling it this morning. Hopefully today isn't too bad. I do get to go to a DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) training for an hour so I'm really looking forward to that. So far I've worked 98/900 hours!! I'm getting there. 4 months left already. Wow. This month has just really zoomed by. Hopefully the rest of my internship does too!

So yesterday was not very good. That morning I just felt like I was doing everything wrong and getting tons of negative thoughts about my abilities to do this job. I was doubting my future and just thinking about jobs in general and how I feel like I would never be able to handle any job. I had a session at 9:30 in ICU and it just reinforced these thoughts... I couldn't communicate effectively with the patients and was nervous and not having a good time. So after that session I went to go retrieve shift reports on new patients and had to make copies so I did. I went back to the room next to it and heard someone venting and cussing about people not clearing the copier after using it. I thought crap, she's probably talking about me. So later I walk out when I was done and she told me next time I made copies to clear the copier, in a pretty rude manner. Naturally I went to the bathroom and cried. When I made myself half way presentable I went and sat back in the office and after a while the rec therapist asked if I was okay and if something happened so I told her, but it wasn't just that she was slightly rude to me, it was just things building up all morning and that was the tipping point. So todayyyy... I was looking for shift reports again and she came up to me and asked if she could talk to me when I got a second. Well we never did talk... because when I was done I couldn't find her then we were both busy I guess blah blah blah... but what the heck... I hope nobody told her about how I was crying about that dumb thing?? She probably thinks I'm ridiculous. The rec therapist I told yesterday was freaking out saying "I need to tell my supervisor! That's not acceptable!" but I really don't want any drama with anyone ugh. I really really hate this. That's life though. I've really been thinking about jobs a lot and how I don't want one where I have to wake up early, come home in the evening, and my life revolves around that. I know that's what almost everyone does, and that's just how it is, and I just have to deal with it, whatever. Well I don't care. I'm not everyone and I only have one life and I want to do something more with it! Something that I will actually enjoy and WANT to do. I mean really really want to do. I know it's out there and I will MAKE IT HAPPEN. I believe that I can. Back to my internship. Since that's what this blog is about... Today I was with the weekend music therapist. She is so much more efficient I think in terms of how she does notes and stuff. I also just feel like she was more on my level, which I appreciated. It was a nice change of pace. I got to observe the adolscent unit for the first time today FINALLY. I liked it, but there were only four of them. Today I got done at like 4 which is the earliest I've ever been done so that was nice! Tomorrow one of my friends will be in town because her boyfriend lives here but we're going to hang out all day tomorrow!! I'm so excited! I finally get to actually experience this city and do something other than go to my internship and come home. Also, friends. Yay friends. Speaking of friends... I LOVE MY FRIENDS. Yesterday Cara and Aliza both called me after seeing a tumblr post I made saying "Today sucks." I was also texting Lily and Jordan about it at lunch and Sarah texted me last night and I just seriously have amazing friends. I wanted to cry just thinking about how grateful and blessed I am to have them in my life. When I was one the phone with Cara, she prayed for me and I went on facebook after we hung up and three of my music therapy friends that are in their internships posted encouraging things about internship IN A ROW. 3 posts right next to each other. WHAT. That was fast God, wow.

Today was longggg. My internship director is gone for 2 weeks on vacation so I've been with the recreational therapist. First of all though, I must mention that my room is finally organized! I have a real bed now, a desk, a table, a dresser, and a TV! There's no cable here but my dad is sending me his Roku box and a PS2 aw yeahhh. It was a nice weekend. I got to go back to tally and see my friend Annabelle who I haven't seen in SOO LONG! My parents and sister helped me pack my apartment then we drove over here and organized my room. It was nice to see them and to eat good meals. Yum. Anyways today I got to observe the ICU unit again. I was not in the mood. Before that group, I went to the unit to try to get some patients reports and that always stresses me out because if it's not there I have to ask around and I feel like people don't really attend to me or something because I'm an intern. Almost like they're kind of annoyed by me? I experienced that a little this morning and it made me upset. I went to group despite feeling poopy, and it was... interesting. Almost every one of them were so low functioning that we could barely do anything. One went and stood out in the rain and I got really wet trying to coax her back so I was freezing all morning because the building is always SO COLD! Rita made some stew and she left a note for me saying that I could have some so that's what I had for lunch. It was wonderful because I was so cold. Also during that group, there was this one lady who was quite functional and I was confused as to why she was even in the ICU unit. I was talking to her at the end of group and she was telling me that she got drunk and hit her head, then she woke up with police and EMTs surrounding her and she said something like "I want it to end" and they took it as she was suicidal. She told me that's not what she meant at all. Then she was explaining how she worked with her dad and her dad was really possesive of her and she could never meet any guys because her dad would keep them away and stuff. So anyways later I was sitting in the office with the rec therapist and she says "you know what I read today on _____'s record? She's married to her dad and she says she wants to stop having sex with him. That's why he's so posessive of her." I was just like.... WHAT. I can't even... begin to understand. That's so crazy. It made me so sad. I hear sad stories multiple times a day but it just encourages me to do my job even better. Later that day we did a session with the military unit and I just observed. I need to write one session plan a day these next two weeks but I haven't written any yet. I probably need to do that. I am missing my old roommates. We were texting each other earlier and it made me think more about how I miss my old apartment. I miss knowing where everything is and feeling so comfortable and knowing I can just open my door and they'd be there for me to talk to. I have no friends here but I really feel fine with that at the moment. It actually feels kind of nice... because I'm always so tired and can't WAIT to be alone after my internship. I feel like I have so many wonderful amazing friends, that I literally don't need or want anymore. I wonder if that's weird? Anyways the internet is not working here AND IT SUCKKKKSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!! It's so off and on then it's super slow UGH. Nothing is more frustrating than internet not working. I know that's a first world problem, and a privilege to even have internet, BUT UGHHH IT DOESN'T MAKE IT LESS ANNOYING!!!!!!!!