These past few days have been crazzzyyy. (literally. lol get it)
My supervisor got punched in the face Friday by a patient. I didn't see it but I heard them call the code and I knew she was on ICU so I went over there and she was obviously in tremendous pain and surrounded by a lot of people. She had to go to the ER and get surgery. I found out today she doesn't know if she is even coming back to work or not. I guess you don't really think about how big of a deal this whole thing is until it happens. It's not only physical pain, but emotional pain. My supervisor is apparently going to start going to therapy about it. There are all these liability issues too. The day after this happened I was set to lead the ICU group and apparently my supervisor did not want me doing ICU. I did it anyways. The first group was fine but when I went on the other ICU unit two of them were just MAD and I couldn't even do group and I started getting emotional and had to leave. Every time I tried to get a response they'd just be yelling about something. Then when one of the guys started yelling and got up out of his chair I was like "NOPE" so I just got up and left and I'm not sure if I was thinking about the whole getting punched in the face thing or what but I just suddenly felt very overwhelmed and stressed out and had to leave and cry in the bathroom.
I've just been feeling overwhelmed and anxious since it all happened. I'm trying to take over for my supervisor and it's really stressful! We have some social workers helping us which is awesome but today we did not and I was there for almost 10 hours and literally did not stop moving that whole time except for lunch break.
Another crazy thing that happened... yesterday one of the patients died. I saw her coming through the door from outside in her wheelchair and she just fell out of her chair, right on her face. The ambulance came and I'm not sure if she died on the unit or in the ER or what but apparently they aren't exactly sure what caused it. Apparently things like this NEVER happen and it was 2 awful things within a few days!
Also since my supervisor isn't coming back for a while (or maybe not even at all) I got offered to work per diem. I just tell them when I could work and I don't get benefits and all that so I'd be getting paid really well. It's just such a hard decision because obviously I want to go home for the holidays and maybe she will be back by the time I get back?? And also there is nother intern coming in January so I have no idea how that is even going to work. If I did work per diem I'd seriously just have to get my own place. I don't like living with a roommate at all that I don't know and I just don't think I can handle it any longer. It was good for while I was here for my internship because it was cheap but I'd probably be able to afford my own apartment working per diem with full time hours, even here where everything is pretty expensive. I'd also want to get a cat.
Anyways I only have tomorrow, Friday, then next week and I'm DONEEEE. I seriously cannot WAIT. Especially after these past few days oh my gosshhhh. So much happens in a day in terms of emotions that it almost feels like a dream when I am leaving. It's such an emotional job I LOVE IT BECAUSE I LOVE EMOTIONS AND PSYCH but it's still super draining.
Anyways I'm also stressed out about end of my internship stuff. Obviously my supervisor can't really be here to guide me through it so I need to ask her about it all sometime.
I just need to make it through the rest of this week then next week and I'll be done with all of this.

Well I only have 3 weeks of internship left!! I. CAN'T. WAIT.
It's halloween night and I am sitting at Panera Bread avoiding tricker treaters at home. My supervisor invited me to come to her house and give out candy and stuff with her and her family but I'm just so pooped and I have to work tomorrow too. My grandma called me this morning and asked if I wanted company this weekend and I said UHH... YES. But then she realized my little sister has a piano recital tomorrow so she's planning on coming next weekend. YAY!
So I finished collecting data for my project. I'm going to try working on it at work but I never have the time... I think I'll have time during the last week of my internship so hopefully I can get it all done. I'm also mostly done with loading all the CDs I just need to double check that I got them all.
We FINALLLYYY can use our Bose speakers and our ipod! It sounds WONDERFUL. I've been listening to my own ipod on it while writing notes.

I can't really think about anything exciting or important that has happened lately... I still love behavioral health and music therapy. Soooo that's good. I've been seriously considering getting my masters in mental health counseling but I don't want to unless I can get a scholarship or something. I'm already drowning in student loans.
Oh another thing, my supervisor started a ladies bible study at work and it's been sooo good. I've been either working on Sundays or am exhausted on Sundays from working the saturday and the week before so I haven't really been going to church. I feel like this study group feeds me spiritually. It's only 6 weeks so the last week we do it will be my last week!

This internship has taught me a lot, but I think the biggest thing it has taught me is that things aren't usually as scary or as stressful as I make them out to be. I am so happy to find myself doing so many things and enjoying them that I would have never imagined myself doing before starting. It's made me more confident and sure of myself and my future.

Hmmm I'm thinking about getting some coffee. It is cold in here.

adolescents

I've been thinking about my approach to working with adolescents vs. other people's approaches and I realized that I think rapport with this population is probably one of the most important things. If I build a great rapport with them, they are more likely to listen to me, be involved in my groups, and therefore get something out of my groups.

Sooo how to build rapport with adolescents? 

Get on their level. Talk about things with them that they are interested in. Be sarcastic. Use humor. 

Don't constantly tell them "don't do this. don't do that. stop that." 

Instead say "what the heck are you doing. you're going to crack your head open boy."

They might laugh then most likely stop.

Once you've built a rapport, thennnn you can tell them what to do. They need to know WHY they should trust you or listen to you. And if they do trust you and listen to you, that reason is most likely: because you're cool and you get them. That's really what kids care about at that age I think.

Wow I haven't written in a while. Well a few updates...
I started a project. I'm determining which types of interventions (active music, lyric analysis, or relaxation) improve the mood of pts the most, which they find most helpful, and which they enjoyed the most. There are a lot of variables and I wish I started a project sooner in my internship then I could've done a really awesome elaborate one because I always think about all these things I want to find out and do studies on but I don't write them down so I forget them....
The adolescent unit has been CRAZY. The doctor is kinda new (I think he started about when I started) and he takes all the kids off their medications and he accepts children as young as 4... so now we have this huge age range with more kids not on medication with no kind of program in place because of all the changes happening with the new doctor. We had a meeting the other morning that I went to about the unit and what kind of program to implement. They are also going to set apart a separate area for the younger kids (thank goodness) and provide more activities for them to do and stuff because they really just sit around the majority of the day... which basically means the staff is just trying to keep them from killing each other the whole time.
Alsoooo there has been a bit of drama. My supervisor was very upset yesterday because she feels the expressive therapies department is becoming more and more undervalued. Kind of like we are just "the activity people" when we are doing actual therapy, just like the therapists and social workers do. Unlike the therapists and social workers, we are not assessing the patients, we are not involved in treatment team meetings, we are not writing our treatment goals for the pts most of the time, and other fun things like that. My supervisor was saying she feels like she is not doing what she is supposed to be doing as a music therapist which is ethically incorrect. There are a lot of little things that have been going which has made us feel like we are being more and more undervalued. Anyways stuff went down with my supervisor and her boss and I think things are going to be getting better from now on. Her boss really does value us and I think the staff does too, but I don't think they fully understand what we do. (My supervisor told me I should present the results of my project to the staff so maybe that would help!) It's been a good learning experience at least!
Some other stuff that's been going down... I talked to my supervisor about some anxieties I had the other day (something happening to make me cry will kinda bring that conversation up) and she was very encouraging and it was also really great to let her know about some of that stuff. Then something happened agaaiiiinnnn a few days ago and now I kinda just feel anxious whenever I go to the hospital and I hate it. Today I even almost started to cry when I was playing a song while a patient was being rude. What the heck?? That never happens to me. I usually don't mind and can handle it... I managed to just keep going though but for a second I was afraid I was going to just break down in front of the patients how EMBARRASSING would that be?!?!
Also roommate things have been going on to stress me out too but it's all good. I've really just been so impatient to be done. I have 6 weeks left and I just want it to be over NOOOWW! It's a wonderful internship. I love it and I'm learning a lot but can I graduate already?? I'm trying to be more in the moment and enjoy the experience but it's hard sometimes. Senioritis is hitting hard. That reminds me I need to order my cap and gown and all that fun stuff yay
Lily is coming to visit me this weekend!! I think this is the longest we've been apart! I can't waaaaiiittt :) :)

Interesting day

So today started out with my supervisor and I going to the military unit to fill our water and all the patients were in group it seemed (they don't have group at that time...) so we were like what is happening... and all the staff was standing watching and there every one was very serious... one of the patients spoke up about how "if you don't want help, and you don't want to be here, and you're sleeping during groups then get the f*** out because I need this. This is my last chance. I have a wife and kids who are depending on me." My supervisor just kind of looked at each other like "wow wat." but we talked about how we are sooo glad he said that because that annoys me SO MUCH. They are here for a reason and they need to take it seriously.
Later I went to the adolescent unit to get something and one of the little kids was SCREAMINNGGG. They were restraining him (which we rarely have to do at this hospital because we use verbal de-escalation. Restraint is the very very last resort.) They were carrying him by his legs and arms! Apparently he wanted two snacks instead of just one... and he was sooo good in my group yesterday. So that was odd.
So later my supervisor was leading the adult group and I decided to go with her to help her afterwords with notes. I was a little nervous about the group because for the past week they've been really resistant/sarcastic/not therapeutically focused at all. The group was about letting go and it went SO WELL! The two people who were being really inappropriate yesterday were ones who opened up and were the most vulnerable. . Literally each person who has been causing problems seemed to be very effected by this group. There were many tears shed. My supervisor and I were talking about it all day and she kept telling staff about it, just because of how awesome it was. A few of the staff told her things like how they love the expressive therapies department and how it really effects the patients and they're sorry that's so overdue. It was so encouraging because we often feel that the staff does not appreciate expressive therapy or they think it's not important!
So later today I did the adolescent group. Apparently yesterday they were being really difficult but we separated the younger kids and the older kids so I did the older kids. They were soooo good! I feel like I built an awesome rapport with them so I asked my supervisor if I could do them again tomorrow. I like just hanging out and talking to them. I wish I was in a longer term place sometimes just so I could get to know the patients better. I'v been realizing how much I love that age group lately. I told one of the girls on that unit last week that I liked doing groups there and she goes "wow that's a first." I guess most people hate it. Of course they can be really difficult but I feel like they are usually pretty easily redirected by humor. (except for patients like Mr. I want two snacks instead of one.) I blame my little sister for my love for this age group because I often see her in a lot of my patients just because she's an adolescent I'm really close to. So I just feel connected with them in a way.
So then I got home and was making dinner and my roommate comes out and said her dog died today.... I was not expecting that AT ALL. She really really loved that dog. It was literally like her child. I have never seen anyone love a dog like that. She is devastated. I told her I was sorry and hugged her and told her I'd be praying for her but I don't know what to do!! I put some cookies out for her and wrote her a nice note saying sorry and let me know if you need anything. I just feel soooo sad for her. It's weird that her dog is not walking around the house. She has greeted me every single day after work without fail. It's going to be so sad coming home now.

my heart exploded today

Today's open adult group was SO GOOD. Since it's labor day we decided to just do a chill relaxing fun group so my director decided to just pick out some songs between the both of us and jam. We gave the patients some percussion instruments and we sang Let It Be, Lean On Me, and some other fun songs. This one patient who is seriously one of the NICEST people I have ever met borrowed my guitar to play 2 songs he wrote. I. CRIED. They were SOOO GOOD! Everyone was so awesome and supportive of him and his songs were just amazing. I would buy them. I would listen to them all the time. Everyone was encouraging him to record them. As he was playing one of his songs one of the patients was discharging and walking out and another patient was hugging him and started crying and I seriously was trying so hard to not start sobbing. It was a beautiful moment as I listened to the song and looked around at all the patients and thought about how kind and supportive they are of each other despite all the crap they've been through... I was overflowing with just plain love and joy. After group one of the patients came up to my supervisor and was crying and telling her thank you for the gift of music you bring to us. She said she always wanted to study music but never finished and apparently she's a really good singer. My supervisor told her when you sing, you are bringing the gift of music to others. You have been blessed with it, and you bless others.
Dangggg.
This is why I do this. For these moments. My heart was so full. :) :) :)

learning learning learning

I want this post to be about things I've been learning at my internship. Not just about the job, but about myself. Most of my posts have been "I did this, I did that..." but I think what I'd like to look back on the most is my reflections on how I've changed and my feelings about how my internship is going. So here are a few things that I've been learning/reflecting on lately...

 1. I'm braver than I think I am!!! Things aren't as scary as I think they are, I am capable of more than I think I am, I am better at what I do than I think I am. I just have to believe it- that's where confidence comes in and I know I can be confident! And being confident makes you feel better, perform better, think better... It's just an all around cycle of positivity!

 2. I've been learning many "counseling ideas." Like little things that you say over and over that can relate to many situations. Kind of like "you can only control yourself, and your reactions to situations. You can't control what other people do and what other people think of you. Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it." Those kinds of things. And they all overlap and relate so having knowledge of all these little "counseling nuggets" make me feel more confident and knowledgeable when counseling others. I feel like the more nuggets I gain, the easier it is to keep the flow of a group going. I've been learning A LOT of those little nuggets, and I feel they are shaping my life as well!

 3. Your environment shapes you! I'm around very encouraging, positive, inspiring, spiritual, fun, and motivated mentors ALL DAY. This make ME feel like a more encouraging, positive, inspiring, etc etc person. I feel that being surrounded by such positivity and wisdom all day has been changing my brain and inspiring me!

 4. I realized how much I've changed in the past year or so. The rec therapist has this negativity test she gives to patients sometimes to see how negative your thought process is. I was looking at it a couple weeks ago and thought "DANG. I seriously would have scored SO HIGH on this a year or so ago!" It made me realize how much I've changed, and how much happier I am as a person. A lot of it had to do with attending counseling of my own and just trying to change my thought process. Of course there's always room to improve but it's good to know that I've been getting somewhere!

 5. Just knowing that I can move away from friends/family to a place where I don't know anyone, doing something that I found pretty intimidating at first gives me confidence in itself! Going back to #1, things aren't usually as scary as I make them out to be! The more I practice doing things that are scary, the more truth this statement will carry.

 6. Being alone is awesome. Okay, I knew this before my internship but I thought it would be much harder moving somewhere and not knowing anyone. NOPE. It's actually pretty wonderful. I'm sure it would suck if I wasn't gone all day but it's so satisfying to go to work and do awesome things all day, and then to come home, relax, and have ME TIME. I don't feel pressures to hang out with people or stress from having to do homework assignments. Some people may say "you need to get out and do things and get involved!" Well I quite frankly disagree. I'm only here for 5 months, and it's really wonderful to take time to do things for myself that I want to do. I've been writing music, exercising, reflecting... it's great. Obviously I feel lonely at times but really not as much as I thought I would. I don't feel the need to hang out with people, or get involved in things, and it's actually quite freeing. Okay, I went to choir practice with the rec therapist a few times and I've been going to church but I am absolutely drained from work every day when I get home and look forward to being alone.

 So I'm sure there are more things but those are the few that I could think of right now. Maybe I'll make more "things I'm learning" posts in the future. :) Also I am in Tallahassee for the weekend! I'm staying with Sarah and it's very refreshing to be around old friends. I feel like we are roommates again <3 (even if just for a weekend.)

Group leading!!

This week I started leading groups officially! I have absolutely loved it. Of course there are times when it's hard but I am still adjusting and as much as I wish it were true, I can't be perfect all the time. I just want to be really good at it RIGHT NOW. But that's super unrealistic. I'm just really excited about the prospect of being an awesomely good therapist. So on Tuesday I lead the open adult group and did an activity with the song "Live Like A Warrior" by Matisyahu and we talked about negative thoughts vs. positive thoughts. They wrote a negative thought on paper to throw in the "fire" then they wrote a positive thought on another slip of paper and kept it with them. There was a lot more to it but that was the basic premise. Then later I did the same thing with the adolescent group. I wasn't expecting to lead them but it ended up happening because Monday we had all the kids together and there are A LOT more than usual so it was really... not working out. The problem is there are really young kids with really old kids and it's difficult to find a group activity appropriate for everyones age. So Tuesday we split it up and I had the older group and it was SUCH a good group. I feel like I connected well with them and I really really enjoyed it. Today I lead the younger kids(there were only three of them) but they are difficult. Adorable and fun, but difficult. One of the kids has IED, ODD, and ADHD. Dang. I tried really hard to keep him happy haha It was SO adorable though because as soon as I started singing and playing my guitar they just sat and STARED at me. QUIETLY. It was really really adorable. They were all three little boys so of course my heart was melting the whole time. (I LOVE LITTLE BOYS) Not in a creepy way... o_o I feel like this time in my internship is exciting because I'm just discovering my passions for different populations/age groups. It's awesome that I can be working with completely "out there" adults in the morning and little kids in the afternoon then military guys later in the afternoon. I love it! Another thing that's awesome about this time in my internship is I feel I'm getting to know the patients better since I've been more involved in group leading and everything. I can walk in the hall and have conversations with them and ask about their days. Which I lovvveeee. I think it's funny that that's such a hard thing for me to do out in the "real world" but I feel so much more comfortable being personable with the patients?? Maybe it's an authority thing and has to do with my position or something. Either way, I find it interesting. Apparently the expressive therapists used to have to do assessments with the patients which is a good opportunity to get to know the patients in a one to one setting and to learn about if they are interested in any art/music type stuff and what kind of music they like. I feel like this would really help the groups! Because I think it's so important to do things patients are interested in, or at least things that will get their attention and feel connected to the therapist in a way so they can gain that rapport with them. It's just that there's literally NO TIME to do assessments... which sucks. I think I would really like sitting down with patients in a one to one setting and getting to know them. My supervisor keeps saying they're probably going to make the expressive therapy department start doing them again since I'm here, but I have no idea when we would have time to do them?? Two more things. On Monday morning I played guitar for the song "Count On Me" by Bruno Mars and one of the military guys sang as part of his "goodbye group" or whatever they do on the military unit when someone is discharging. He said he picked that song because he felt like he grew really close to everyone there and wanted them to know they could count on him or something cute like that. All the patients were singing with it and it was SO CUTE and touching! I finally finished making a workout CD for one of the military patients and she was soooo happy! She has been wanting some good music to listen to while working out for a while now. She was saying how nice it was of me to take time and make it for her and that she felt like she was going to cry! I told her I loved making CDs and I enjoyed making it for her. My supervisor told me to be careful with stuff like that because we aren't supposed to be giving patients gifts and that everyone might start wanting CDs and stuff but I told her I made it to leave on the unit for anyone that wanted to use it which she said was fine. I just don't know if the patient I gave it to thought that... oops. Anyways I feel like I am growing more and more passionate about this population and I'm loving it more every day. I hope my passion continues to grow and it's not just a passing phase!!

Hm I figure it's time for an update and what better place to blog but Panera Bread? I have a free birthday pastry that expires tomorrow and I really really wanted good & healthy food. (My fridge is... sad.) So here I am. I led my first session all by myself a week and a halfish ago because the rec therapist was going to be gone and I filled in for her. I just gave them a handout about stress and talked about it with them then let them do whatever they wanted outside. I had cards and footballs and bubbles and all kinds of stuff. Apparently they were complaining about not getting to be active enough so that's what we decided on doing and I think they really appreciated it. I'm going to start leading sessions for real next week. I'm nervous but also excited! Also, update: a patient was rude to me a few days ago and yes I got pretty upset but I was able to think myself out of it, hold it in, and move on and I'm really proud of myself. Something that I really want to work on is my overall affect and friendly attitude. Today on the military unit we were doing an arts and crafts activity and we had quote books for them to look through. One of the quotes said "smile more" and one of the patients held it up to me and smiled at me. I joked around with him about it but it really did make me think that I don't smile enough and I feel that that's important in this profession which really kind of sucks because I'm not a very smiley person outside of being with my friends and family. I want my presence to be opening and welcoming and I don't think it is at all. It's something I have often struggled with and don't really know how to change. What if this is just... me? My personality? And I can't change it? What if it's something I can't overcome? Sometimes it makes me doubt a lot of things about myself, about my future, and about my career choices. It sucks to think I have the right passion and training for something, but maybe not the right personality traits. Anyways unto some more positive things... Lily and Cara came to visit me this past weekend!! It was so much fun and really great to be able to explore Panama City with friends. We went to the most BEAUTIFUL beach, ate at a restaurant on the water, watched movies, went to church together, got ice cream... it was so much fun and I'm so so glad they were able to come visit me! I don't think I have many more exciting things internship-wise to write about... Back to my soup, salad, and free scone yum :) Also there is a Books A Million across the street hmmmmmmm

I am so truly blessed

I am content. I'm making tea, it looks like it's about to rain, and I have so many people who care for me. I want to dedicate this post to them, because I really honestly don't know what I would do without them. If being away from every one doing an internship is teaching me anything, it's about how easily I can fall into a trap of loneliness and how many people I have in my life that love me and that I can rely on. Also, how much God really does provide even when I don't realize it. Every time I'm feeling lonely, something comes up that reminds me I'm not. Every time I'm worrying about money, money comes along somehow. It's really quite amazing now that I think of it. I really really have wonderful supportive and encouraging family and friends and it's times like these that I wonder why I ever feel alone in the first place?? I need to keep reminders close by so I can remember how blessed I am. Also I'm super excited because Lily and my best friend Cara are coming to visit me this weekend!! YAY! Saturday I was feeling particularly lonely and I prayed about it a little when I was at the beach. Then later that night my friend Sarah called me, I got a really sweet letter in the mail from one of my grandmothers, then Chloe called me then I started playing second life with Chloe and Lily then my other grandma called me to see how everything was going then the dude I’m doing music stuff with called me about singing with him at a gig in August all within 3ish hours. Obviously, I felt a lot better after that. On Saturday I was also worrying about money and I got a check in the mail today from Jim and apparently he said God woke up in the middle of the night to write me a check. So he got up, wrote me a check, then went back to bed. This was right before I had this "worrying about money" episode. I just keep getting money in the most random ways. I'm waiting on a check from my old apartment because they had to renovate our particular apartment so they gave us our rent back for moving out early, a family I know is graciously giving me money every month, I worked this random job and am getting a check from that soon (hopefully... I have to call about it) but just so many things keep popping up like this and all I can do is look up to the sky and thank God and thank all of my family and friends for being so so good to me.

Day 14

This week has gone by so unbelievably FAST. Wow. Tomorrow is FRIDAY??? So yesterday I got to lead my first session kind of! I'm not technically scheduled to start leading my own groups until August but I was telling the music therapist I'm with this week that I felt ready so she let me come up with an activity and do it with the open adult group. What I did was cut out a bunch of lyrics from random songs so that there were strips of paper with about 2-4 lines of lyrics on them. Then I had them fold a brochure out of construction paper and the left section would have "past" written at the top, the middle would have "present" and the third would have "future." Then they would find pictures from magazines and pick out some song lyrics that would describe each of these things. What happened in the past and why they are here maybe. What they are doing now to change. Then what are some hopes and dreams for the future. I really really enjoyed it and I think it went pretty well! I think I might be leading that group again tomorrow. :) :) :) So today was pretty good. We had group at ICU in the morning and we played paddle drum ball where we literally just hit a ball around with paddle drums. It was actually super fun and most of the patients seemed to enjoy it. There was one kid who was mad and cussing about being moved from the open adult unit but he apologized later so thats good. I felt like I was able to interact a lot more with the patients than I have been. I went to lunch at panera later that day with the music therapist I've been observing. We picked it up and went back to the hospital to eat. It was delicious. Especially compared to the meals I've been eating. Then later that day we did a group with the military unit. I almost cried a couple of times... that group always gets to me somehow. One guy shared a personal testament about his journey at the hospital as his final assignment or something and oh my GOSH. I was trying to hold back tears. I have so much respect for those guys (and 3 girls) haha that group is huge there's always about 30 people. STORY TIME So we were standing outside the military group room waiting for their group to be done so we could start ours. One of my rings falls out of my pocket SOMEHOW... (there's not even a hole in my pocket??) and it starts to roll underneath the curtain thing separating us from the group room. It was rolling and rolling and I was saying "ahhh no no no!" and it goes under the curtain. So one of the guys walked out to give it to me and I was embarrassed. Then a lady comes on the LOUD SPEAKER and says "If anyone lost a ring in the military unit, it's at the front desk." Literally right after I drop the first ring... Then I realize that my OTHER ring was missing out of my pocket!! What the heck?? The music therapist I was with was like "Is that yours too??" Well, I guess it is. So I had to walk down to the front desk to get it. She was cracking up at me. The patient that picked up my first ring was probably like "What the heck why are so many people dropping rings in the military unit...?" Anyways. So when I got home the girl I'm living with left me this long note about keeping the kitchen clean and stuff. I left a couple of dishes in the sink for the FIRST TIME and I just completely forgot about them. I'm glad she told me but it made me feel poopy because I feel like I try SO HARD to keep everything the way she has it and to clean up after myself (which is not in my nature...) and I don't think she realizes how much I try to work around the way she has things. I'm glad I was on the phone with my mom when I saw it so I had someone to vent to. I just feel like this is so hard. I'm living with someone I don't know in a place that doesn't feel like my home at all. I love my room but I still feel like the house is not really "where I live." It's hard and uncomfortable for me to live like this! Even when I was moving in she was saying that I had a lot of stuff and I just feel that she doesn't really realize how much it takes for a person to LIVE somewhere. She didn't leave much room for me to put stuff anywhere and it's not her fault at all it's just a more difficult situation for me I guess. I just keep thinking about that time when I'll be living with a spouse or something and being excited to come home to see them and spend time with them after a long day at a job that I'm comfortable with and really enjoy. I've been trying really hard to suck it up and stick it out. I only have 4 more months. Or 20ish more weeks. I can do this. But sometimes you just have to feel it and accept that "THIS IS HARDDD. Moving to a new place is HARD. Doing an internship in behavioral health is HARD. Living on really limited money is HARD. Being in a place where I don't know anyone/have no friends is HARD." But it's not impossible and it's not unbearable. It's a learning and growing experience and I'm so glad that I am learning that I don't like living with people I don't know. Seriously though, I am thankful SO THANKFUL for this experience and I'm learning so much not only about music therapy and behavioral health but about myself.

weekend!

I'm writing this in the morning even though I don't have much time before I leave... I had a pretty great weekend even though it rained the whole time. I didn't mind too much though... I like the rain. One of my friends was in town because her boyfriend lives here so she came Saturday and we went to a popular touristy restaurant which was crazy crowded but yummy. Then we went to dippin' dots, gave some dude a ride to a place down the road, then went to this cute downtown historic district close to my house. It was a lot of fun and I'm so glad I got to hang out with someone! Then on Sunday I didn't do much of anything until like 3 when I decided to drive to the beach even though it looked like it was going to pour any second. There was a crazy amount of traffic but I kept driving hoping that somewhere far down where there would be less hotels and tourist attractions a less crowded beach. I ended driving for like 40 minutes and came across the most ADORABLE, COOLEST LITTLE NEIGHBORHOOD. I first went to the beach which was BEAUTIFUL then I looked up coffee shops on my phone. As I followed the road I came into this awesome little town. I'm guessing most of the houses were vacation rentals and condo type things and there were a lot of families there. I was in the town square place where they had some nice restaurants, a coffee place, a little book store, and some other cute things like that. I went to the coffee place and kind of just walked around and looked at the houses which were huge and really nice. I felt like I was in another country! Like Europe or something. I am definitely going back there when Lily comes to visit. Anyways yesterday was a really chill day at internship. I mostly just worked on my session plans then observed the adolescent unit. I'm really not feeling it this morning. Hopefully today isn't too bad. I do get to go to a DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) training for an hour so I'm really looking forward to that. So far I've worked 98/900 hours!! I'm getting there. 4 months left already. Wow. This month has just really zoomed by. Hopefully the rest of my internship does too!

So yesterday was not very good. That morning I just felt like I was doing everything wrong and getting tons of negative thoughts about my abilities to do this job. I was doubting my future and just thinking about jobs in general and how I feel like I would never be able to handle any job. I had a session at 9:30 in ICU and it just reinforced these thoughts... I couldn't communicate effectively with the patients and was nervous and not having a good time. So after that session I went to go retrieve shift reports on new patients and had to make copies so I did. I went back to the room next to it and heard someone venting and cussing about people not clearing the copier after using it. I thought crap, she's probably talking about me. So later I walk out when I was done and she told me next time I made copies to clear the copier, in a pretty rude manner. Naturally I went to the bathroom and cried. When I made myself half way presentable I went and sat back in the office and after a while the rec therapist asked if I was okay and if something happened so I told her, but it wasn't just that she was slightly rude to me, it was just things building up all morning and that was the tipping point. So todayyyy... I was looking for shift reports again and she came up to me and asked if she could talk to me when I got a second. Well we never did talk... because when I was done I couldn't find her then we were both busy I guess blah blah blah... but what the heck... I hope nobody told her about how I was crying about that dumb thing?? She probably thinks I'm ridiculous. The rec therapist I told yesterday was freaking out saying "I need to tell my supervisor! That's not acceptable!" but I really don't want any drama with anyone ugh. I really really hate this. That's life though. I've really been thinking about jobs a lot and how I don't want one where I have to wake up early, come home in the evening, and my life revolves around that. I know that's what almost everyone does, and that's just how it is, and I just have to deal with it, whatever. Well I don't care. I'm not everyone and I only have one life and I want to do something more with it! Something that I will actually enjoy and WANT to do. I mean really really want to do. I know it's out there and I will MAKE IT HAPPEN. I believe that I can. Back to my internship. Since that's what this blog is about... Today I was with the weekend music therapist. She is so much more efficient I think in terms of how she does notes and stuff. I also just feel like she was more on my level, which I appreciated. It was a nice change of pace. I got to observe the adolscent unit for the first time today FINALLY. I liked it, but there were only four of them. Today I got done at like 4 which is the earliest I've ever been done so that was nice! Tomorrow one of my friends will be in town because her boyfriend lives here but we're going to hang out all day tomorrow!! I'm so excited! I finally get to actually experience this city and do something other than go to my internship and come home. Also, friends. Yay friends. Speaking of friends... I LOVE MY FRIENDS. Yesterday Cara and Aliza both called me after seeing a tumblr post I made saying "Today sucks." I was also texting Lily and Jordan about it at lunch and Sarah texted me last night and I just seriously have amazing friends. I wanted to cry just thinking about how grateful and blessed I am to have them in my life. When I was one the phone with Cara, she prayed for me and I went on facebook after we hung up and three of my music therapy friends that are in their internships posted encouraging things about internship IN A ROW. 3 posts right next to each other. WHAT. That was fast God, wow.

Today was longggg. My internship director is gone for 2 weeks on vacation so I've been with the recreational therapist. First of all though, I must mention that my room is finally organized! I have a real bed now, a desk, a table, a dresser, and a TV! There's no cable here but my dad is sending me his Roku box and a PS2 aw yeahhh. It was a nice weekend. I got to go back to tally and see my friend Annabelle who I haven't seen in SOO LONG! My parents and sister helped me pack my apartment then we drove over here and organized my room. It was nice to see them and to eat good meals. Yum. Anyways today I got to observe the ICU unit again. I was not in the mood. Before that group, I went to the unit to try to get some patients reports and that always stresses me out because if it's not there I have to ask around and I feel like people don't really attend to me or something because I'm an intern. Almost like they're kind of annoyed by me? I experienced that a little this morning and it made me upset. I went to group despite feeling poopy, and it was... interesting. Almost every one of them were so low functioning that we could barely do anything. One went and stood out in the rain and I got really wet trying to coax her back so I was freezing all morning because the building is always SO COLD! Rita made some stew and she left a note for me saying that I could have some so that's what I had for lunch. It was wonderful because I was so cold. Also during that group, there was this one lady who was quite functional and I was confused as to why she was even in the ICU unit. I was talking to her at the end of group and she was telling me that she got drunk and hit her head, then she woke up with police and EMTs surrounding her and she said something like "I want it to end" and they took it as she was suicidal. She told me that's not what she meant at all. Then she was explaining how she worked with her dad and her dad was really possesive of her and she could never meet any guys because her dad would keep them away and stuff. So anyways later I was sitting in the office with the rec therapist and she says "you know what I read today on _____'s record? She's married to her dad and she says she wants to stop having sex with him. That's why he's so posessive of her." I was just like.... WHAT. I can't even... begin to understand. That's so crazy. It made me so sad. I hear sad stories multiple times a day but it just encourages me to do my job even better. Later that day we did a session with the military unit and I just observed. I need to write one session plan a day these next two weeks but I haven't written any yet. I probably need to do that. I am missing my old roommates. We were texting each other earlier and it made me think more about how I miss my old apartment. I miss knowing where everything is and feeling so comfortable and knowing I can just open my door and they'd be there for me to talk to. I have no friends here but I really feel fine with that at the moment. It actually feels kind of nice... because I'm always so tired and can't WAIT to be alone after my internship. I feel like I have so many wonderful amazing friends, that I literally don't need or want anymore. I wonder if that's weird? Anyways the internet is not working here AND IT SUCKKKKSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!! It's so off and on then it's super slow UGH. Nothing is more frustrating than internet not working. I know that's a first world problem, and a privilege to even have internet, BUT UGHHH IT DOESN'T MAKE IT LESS ANNOYING!!!!!!!!

Well tomorrow is the end of week one of my internship. I've learned a lot about the facility these last few days. Yesterday I wrote on my notepad a detailed account of my day but... I think I'm just going to hit a few things, otherwise it will be super long. Tuesday I got to observe two groups... ICU (severe disorders) and the resilience (military) unit. Before that session my director told me to look in the files of some resiliency patients and I LOVED READING THEM. The files are huge with all of their information in them but I was just reading the detailed descriptions of why they were there and stuff. They were all really sad, but it was so interesting to me. I felt just this intense admiration for them after reading them. I've just been thinking about how much I'd love to be the one that interviews patients and writes up their reports. I feel like it's hard to know what my role is here. When we were about to start the session on the resiliency unit, my director left for a little bit and I felt weird because when things like that happen I don't know what to say to the patients or anything, or if I should be saying something, or if it's okay that I don't?? Anyways so after that she did notes and everything and I left. After eating my frozen chicken pot pie, I went to the beach to watch the sunset which was crowded!! I wasn't expecting that. Last time I went to the beach here in the evening it wasn't crowded at all but it's summer and there are a ton of tourists. I got to talk to both Aliza and Sarah while I was there and it was so great! I have wonderful friends. So then yesterday I got there at 8:30, just like on Tuesday and my director didn't show up until like 9 just like on Tuesday. She's not very clear about hours, but I kinda like it because it's open and laid back. Just the whole hospital environment seems to be that way and I love it. So I got to observe a group with the open adult unit. We did this activity with "wellness wheels" where you cut out a circle from construction paper and divide it into four sections: Physical, spiritual, psychological, and social. Then you go through magazines and find pictures for the different sections so it ends up being a cool collage. It was good, I got to interact with the patients more. Today I was working on loading CDs unto iTunes all morning, which I really love doing. I made playlists on iTunes too based on different counseling topics then started adding some songs to them. Then after lunch, I went to observe a session on the resiliency unit again and we did the wellness wheels with them too. It was an AMAZING session. There were about 18 people in group which is a lot more than I'm used to and most of them were pretty into the activity. My director and I started making wellness wheels too and I'm so glad we did because I realized how good of an activity it is. It really helps with identity, mindfulness/focus, and self-reflection. Really, it's soooo therapeutic. We ended really late because everyone was so into it, haha. So afterwords my director asked if anyone wanted to share and about five people did and I almost cried when each of them were talking. Just seeing these people who need to be strong all the time let their guards down like that... it's absolutely amazing and so inspirational to me. I once again felt that intense admiration for them. It's just something about people being authentic and sharing their weaknesses and emotions that just really gets to me. And I think it's really important. That's one of the reasons I am sooo passionate about behavioral health! My director and I were talking about it afterwords and saying this is why we do what we do. For these moments. Even though so far this has been quite an adjustment, and I've had kind of a difficult time internally, I know it'll be worth it because MUSIC THERAPY IS AMAZING!!!

Survived day one!

Today started with cereal and weird tasting coffee. I had to use a paper towel as a filter because I didn't have coffee filters. NOTHING GETS IN THE WAY OF MY COFFEE. So I got to the hospital and had the four hour orientation about things like fire safety, therapeutic boundaries, etc etc. (while drinking more coffee.) Then I had lunch with my supervisor after not knowing how to get a free meal from the cafeteria with my free meal ticket and the worker thinking I was a patient. I ate with my supervisor in the staff room and then she said I could leave if I wanted or I could go to her office and she'd show me how to do notes and stuff so I did that. I need to complete 900 hours until I'm done with my internship so I'm going to try to get in as many as I can! I also looked through some of her music therapy hand outs for group sessions, and read a workbook about Dialectical Behavioral Therapy for Borderline Personality Disorder. It's something I'm super interested in so I read for an hour or so while my supervisor did her documentation. Then she showed me how to file the patient documentation. She also told me about this project she wants me to do of loading all her CDs unto iTunes. Is it weird that I'm really looking forward to doing that and to doing documentation/paperwork? I like tedious things like that. I've been leaning more and more towards just doing research/writing ebooks and blogs and stuff for music therapy rather than actual music therapy. One year ago I would've been like "WHAT? GURL, NO. GO PLAY YOUR GUITAR AND THERAPIZE PEOPLE." but I'm starting to think I'm not wired that way. That I'm not as good at it as I thought I was. I think my passions and preferences have been changing lately. Anyways... basically all day I felt awkward and lost and completely not adjusted at all. But that's normal I'd think... it's only day one after all. So basically this whole month I'm just going to be observing. Observing A LOT of people. Psychologists, recreational therapists, another music therapist... which is good because I want to be exposed to as much as possible! After I left, I went to Publix to get a few things and made a food shelf in my room since there's not much room in the kitchen.(After an episode of sitting on the floor surrounded by all my stuff and crying after trying to organize and unpack.) I also made a bathroom shelf yesterday since there's not much room in the bathroom either. After Publix I drove towards to water to see if there was any public access and I didn't see any! It was all private property! That made me sad because I was really excited to ride my bike to the water. I think I saw one public access dock or something? I'll have to check that out sometime. Well, I'm hoping for a good day tomorrow!

Move in day!

So I am starting my internship at a behavioral health hospital tomorrow and I want to start a blog to document all my adventures! Today has been so long! My mom and I packed all day in between eating at Black Dog Cafe for breakfast/early lunch and Panera for a late lunch/early dinner. I can't believe that I fit so much stuff in my car. It's pretty amazing. I took the two hour drive over here, and Rita (the one whose house I'm moving into) helped me unpack. I do have a lot of stuff I think... and she thought I did too... haha and I was a little overwhelmed and really lonely when I got here but I started unpacking and organizing. Rita let me borrow an air mattress until my parents come and bring me my bed and other furniture next weekend. I could seriously sleep on this thing for the entirety of my internship... it basically blows up into a real queen bed. It's awesome and really comfortable. I know eventually I will get used to this but right now I honestly do not want to be here. I want to be home, with people I know, in my own room. I feel weird about all this because I don't know how much of her stuff I can use and how much I shouldn't use, I don't know how much of my stuff to put in the kitchen and bathroom and how much to keep in my room. Ugh. I really wish I could be living alone for my internship but... money. Hopefully I will get used to this and it won't feel so weird and lonely. I'm going back to tallahassee next weekend to play at an open mic night and meet my parents to load the uhaul (with MORE OF MY STUFF THAT I PROBABLY REALLY DONT NEED) so I'm just keeping that in mind and it makes me feel better. Also this is temporary. 5 months isn't too long. Anyways, tomorrow i have orientation from 8-12 (7-11 my time -_-). Then I think I'm talking with my internship director and maybe doing some observations? I also probably need to buy some more food or something I just don't know how the kitchen is working really between the both of us. I also want to try riding my bike down to the beach. The ocean has never failed to make me feel at peace and at home. I'm so so so so glad my internship is near the ocean. Well off to bed I go, it's time to start waking up early again! Just like the good old days of 8am classes.